Guy Reams (00:00.814)
Today is day 176, a few key tips on listening. So there's definitely an undervalued art of listening. I think we all know this. I mean, you hear people all the time talk about how we need to listen more and speak less. And I think we all agree with that. We generally agree with that. The problem is, is we just don't do it. When you're in a conversation with people, we've been trained by our parents, our work.
our siblings, our teachers, peers, employers, we've been trained and we've learned very quickly that our voice will only be heard if we get our opinions inserted at every opportunity. So most people, when they're listening to you, are actually thinking about what the next thing they're going to say. They want to very quickly formulate what they're going to say and say it correctly. Because we're sometimes judged so harshly about what we say, we're judged harshly by our ideas,
We're constantly trying to think of what clever thing we can say or the right thing to say. And the one it's our opportunity to speak because usually there's very little opportunity to insert ourselves. So consequently, we're always really afraid that we're not going to be able to get what we want set. Whether it's good or not, it doesn't matter. However, we do this all the time, right? We preemptively try to come up with a response to formulate a response while somebody else is talking.
So usually what happens is somebody will start talking. You'll immediately capture the meaning or the intent of what they're going. You'll judge what their intent is. Whether you're right or not doesn't matter, but you'll do it anyway. And then immediately once you've captured that, you will start to formulate your next sentence. You'll start to formulate your next reply. From the after the first few seconds of what they're saying, you're no longer listening at that point. So.
That's obviously not listening. So how do you become a more active listener? So there's a couple of tips that I've tried that I think work very effectively. The first one is this. In fact, well, before I get into that, have you ever noticed that if you've ever had a chance to listen to somebody who's far more intelligent than you or knows a topic way more than you, then what happens is you're listening to them and
Guy Reams (02:23.885)
you don't really understand what they're saying. You're not quite there with them. You don't understand the topic that well. And so as a consequence, you have a really hard time focusing on what they're saying because you're so used to trying to formulate your next response that you're having a difficult time even focusing because you cannot understand what they're initially trying to say right away. So that creates this real problem for us, right? Because we're trying to formulate a response and we can't.
I've noticed that when I'm listening to somebody really intelligent, like on a podcast or on an audio book, I will oftentimes start to fall asleep because my brain cannot process, my brain is not as active as it should be or could be. So you'll notice this, that when you're listening to somebody that's way above your level, you'll just like, you'll go into this little bit of a stupor.
Well, this is because your brain is not active. So I can solve, I've solved these, both of these problems. First problem is me always trying to formulate a response. And second problem is me not quite knowing what to say next. So I think I've kind of come up with an idea for dealing with that. And I've tried it a lot of the last year or so, and it's definitely helped me. So I would just want to pass those along. First off, instead of getting into next thing to say mode,
we should get into the restate what they are saying mode. It's a very simple change. So when you're listening to somebody, instead of thinking, what is the next thing I'm going to say? You should be thinking, what am I going to say next that will recap what this person is saying? So you should be thinking, after they're done speaking, I'm going to start my next sentence with, so what I hear you are saying is, and then repeat back to them what they said in different words.
This requires you to be actively engaged to understand what they're saying so that you can repeat it. This definitely will help you because when the person hears that from you, they know that you are attempting to understand what they say and they will appreciate that. They might even reciprocate by listening to what you have to say. So that's a great thing. The problem though is that if you spend all your time trying to recap what they're saying, you will have no time to prepare your next response.
Guy Reams (04:46.477)
So this is where I've started to implement what I call pauses. And we're afraid of silence in communication. We're just naturally afraid of it. But silence in communication, pauses in communication are actually good and very acceptable. You just have to let people know that you're going to take one. This is not awkward. You may think it's awkward because we've been trained to talk over each other, but it's actually not that awkward. There are cultures in this world,
I won't dive into them, but I've researched a few cultures where pauses in conversation are actually appreciated and accepted. And when they run into people from the United States that are so used to talking over each other, they're like, they're like, they don't understand. It's like, these people don't ever pause. How can you possibly know what you're thinking if you don't take a pause? So it is perfectly okay to say something to the effect of.
What you have just said is starting me to think about a few things. So can you give me a moment here? I want to consider what you just said and see how that might change the way I'm thinking. That will really take people back a little bit when they hear that the first time, but they will highly appreciate it because you're not just trying to say something, you're trying to really understand and articulate a response with real meaning behind it. It also helps you stop putting your foot in your mouth so much.
It also helps you stop contradicting yourself. Because sometimes when we just fly off the handle and say the first thing that comes to our mind to try to get our words in, sometimes we'll end up contradicting ourselves with different opposing ideas and not even realize it.
So taking pauses is perfectly okay. So you can call this mindful listening. You're trying to restate what the person is saying. And if you don't understand what they're saying, you can ask clarifying questions so that you can understand what they're saying. This is active listening. This keeps your mind engaged and also helps the person that's talking know that you are engaged. Secondly, if you want to formulate a response, it's okay.
Guy Reams (07:00.877)
to take some time to formulate that response. And usually the person you're communicating to will appreciate that. So in conclusion, taking pauses, being mindful about your listening, and changing your mindset from, I need to think of what next to say to, I need to really understand what they're saying and repeat it back to them, can kind of change the way you play the game of active listening. Thank you.