Guy Reams (00:03.31)
This is day 202, inquiry before advocacy. Today I'm in Kansas City, Missouri, and some roadside hotel. Don't ask me why I'm here. Anyway, one of the greatest tragedies, I think, in modern communication is how quickly we move to advocate before we understand. We jump to conclusions. We speak before listening.
We form our replies while others are still talking. And in so doing, we miss the most vital step in any productive conversation, and that is inquiry. I don't know if you've been in meetings like I have, but sometimes you're in meetings and some people just like to hear themselves talk, I guess. There's a simple but powerful principle at play here, one that deserves reflection. Inquiry should always precede advocacy.
This is not just a technique for better dialogue. It is a discipline that reveals the integrity behind your intent. When we begin with questions with a genuine desire to understand, we create the space where trust can actually grow. We show that we value the other person's experience, perspective, and we understand that they have a voice. And only when someone feels heard are they truly open to what you might have to say.
So why should we inquire first? Well, the answer lies in the nature of human connection. Advocacy without understanding often feels like judgment. It's as if we're standing on the outside pointing our finger in. But when we start with inquiry, we step inside the experience of another person. We listen not just to respond, but to relate. And in that moment, we demonstrate empathy, a rare currency in most conversations.
Inquiry opens the door. Advocacy, when it follows, can then walk through with dignity. But reverse this order, and you'll often find the door slam shut before you can ever enter. Productive conversations always begin with curiosity. When people feel understood, they let their guard down. They speak more freely. The dialogue becomes richer.
Guy Reams (02:26.658)
And it's in that richness that new solutions, new insights and new connections emerge. This doesn't just make the conversation more productive, it transforms it. No longer is it a contest of wills to see who can speak more. It becomes collaboration between minds, between people. Intent is revealed by the order in which you talk to people. People are keen observers of intent.
They may not articulate it, but they know when they feel it. If you enter a conversation already forming an argument, people will sense that you are more interested in being right than in being real with them. But if you take time to ask, probe, and truly listen, then later your advocacy, when it does come, will carry more weight. Not because your words are clever, but because your heart was at first present.
Can you actually train your mind to listen more and speak less?
This is not easy. Most of us are conditioned to fill silence with noise, to prove our knowledge, to dominate with our own opinions. We confuse speaking with contributing, and we assume that if we are not talking, we are not leading. But the truth is, silence can carry more weight than speech. The first step is to learn to pause before speaking. Ask yourself quietly, is this necessary?
Is this the right time? In doing so, we begin to recognize that silence is not an absence. It's actually a form of presence. Let silence breathe. Many people talk about the 60-40 rule. The idea is that you should listen 60 % of the time and speak 40. I honestly believe it should be more like 90-10. This is less about mathematical precision, however, and more about where your focus lies.
Guy Reams (04:26.934)
Are your words truly responding to what has been said or are they redirecting attention back to yourself? With this ratio in mind, we can shift emphasis of our speech away from declarations and actually back towards curiosity. Leading with questions is a powerful way to reset your conversational instinct. You should try asking more and telling people less.
Open-ended questions, those that invite exploration rather than provoke defense, change the entire energy of a dialogue. The goal is to foster understanding, not to win an argument. Pay attention also to when you might be rambling. If your thoughts begin to spiral off topic, pause and ask, am I still adding value in this conversation or am I just filling error? There is strength in brevity.
Practice makes your point in one clear sentence that allows space for others to also talk. You'll often find that silence which follows gives your words more weight than any elaboration could. Equally important is your awareness of other people. Watch their body language. If the person you're speaking to starts to look away, fidget, look at their phone, interject, or try to interrupt you, take that as a cue. It may be time to wrap up what you're saying.
Respect the attention of other people. People that give you their attention are giving you a gift. You should treat it that way. Create moments in conversation to invite feedback. Simple questions may sound embarrassing, but you would be surprised how a simple question like, am I talking too much or what are your thoughts? Show a self-awareness that opens the door for deeper engagement with people.
This will reveal a willingness that you have to share the floor. And that humility is oftentimes met with appreciation. You might want to also reflect afterwards. Consider the conversation as a whole. Did I dominate or did I really listen? This practice of post-conversation reflection is really an important step because it really can set the tone for how we might actually improve. Many people have this problem of talking too much and not listening enough.
Guy Reams (06:45.676)
The reason why they always repeat the same problem is they don't ever stop to think and reflect about how well they did.
I want to strive for and I'm not always successful, but I want to strive to be a voice that listens first. If you want to be heard, first learn to listen. If you want to lead, first learn to understand. The art of inquiry is not a weakness, it's wisdom. And the more we practice it, the more we create the kind of conversations that don't just pass the time, but actually change things.