Guy Reams (00:00.718)
This is day 203, when the conversation must happen. There are moments in life when you must step into discomfort for the sake of clarity, growth, and truth. These are the moments when a difficult conversation cannot be avoided. Perhaps the most agonizing version of this is when someone full of good intentions is unknowingly undermining something important. What do you do when someone thinks they are doing great while you can clearly see that they are not?
This question has followed me throughout my professional journey, particularly in the realm of coaching salespeople. I've experienced it more times than I can count. Walking out of a meeting where I sensed everything went sideways, only to hear someone enthusiastically proclaim, we knocked it out of the park. That dissonance between perception and reality is the crucible where tough conversations are born. There's one truth that I hold firmly, ignoring the problem is not leadership.
Waiting for it to fix itself is not guidance. When a misstep occurs, the sooner you address it, the better. And often that means choosing to enter an uncomfortable conversation. You should begin with intent. If you must begin somewhere, start with intent. Ask yourself and the other person, what was the purpose behind that action? What were you trying to accomplish? A gentle question like, when you said that, what was your intent?
That can open the door to clarity without triggering a defense. It invites explanation, not acuization. A meaningful follow-up is this, how do you think others interpreted what you said? Often people do not stop to consider how their words were received, but when they take a moment to reflect, they can usually see how their actions may have landed poorly. That self-awareness becomes a catalyst for change. Intent is not just a starting point, it is the foundation of all human interaction.
When people believe your intentions are sincere, they will give you grace. When they believe you are posturing or self-serving, then they will not. Credibility matters, but without perceived good intent, it will always fall flat.
Guy Reams (02:13.582)
But when reflection isn't enough, then you can use situation, behavior, and impact. Sometimes, however, reflecting on intent is not enough. Sometimes a person remains unaware or resistant. In those cases, it's helpful to turn to a simple but powerful framework that I've used for a long time, situation, behavior, impact. This model offers a way to speak truth without provocation.
A way to be honest without being too harsh. But there is a caveat. Do not use this model unless you're actually prepared. If you cannot describe the situation, the behavior, and the impact by being specific, then you are not ready for the conversation. There's nothing worse than telling somebody that they said something wrong and not have an example to give them. Vague impressions lead to confusion and resentment.
Concrete details will do something different. It'll actually build trust. Let's talk about each one of them, the situation. Begin with context. What was the setting? What was happening at the time? Be as specific as possible. You might say something like, yesterday in the team meeting, that gives the person context and a specific time. This kind of framing grounds the conversation in a real moment and moves it away from generalizations or personal critique.
It becomes a conversation about an event, not an attack on an individual's character. Second is behavior. You can describe what you observed in as factual ways you can. Not what you assume, not what you inferred, but what did you see or hear? You might say something like, noticed that you interrupted the client while they were speaking. This keeps the conversation in the realm of facts, not judgments. It is tempting
to interpret behavior to rush to conclusions. But when you stay focused on observable actions, you reduce the likelihood of a defensive response. The third is impact. Finally, describe the consequence. Why did the behavior matter? What effect did it have? Speak from your own experience. You might say something like, I felt the client became frustrated because they didn't have a chance to voice their concerns.
Guy Reams (04:36.301)
When people understand the real impact of their behavior, not just how you feel, but how others responded, they are far more likely to engage in meaningful change. That moment of connection between behavior and result can be the turning point in any conversation. We do not have difficult conversations because we enjoy them. We have them because we care, because we see something that matters and refuse to let it slip by unnoticed.
Yes, these conversations are hard. They often involve risk. But there is no growth, personal or organizational, without honest, well-timed confrontation. And when you approach those with clarity, a little bit of humility, and good intent, they become something more than criticism. They become a gift to the person that you're talking to.