Guy Reams (00:00.984)
This is day 253, speak first to understand. There's a phrase I often repeat to myself, especially in moments of tension or disagreement, speak first to understand, not to be understood. This is a line made famous by Stephen Covey and the seven habits of highly effective people, but its wisdom goes much deeper than productivity or personal effectiveness. It's a life philosophy.
A mindset shift. a relational tool and in many ways a form of humility in action. There's a natural instinct to defend yourself. When we feel misunderstood, the most natural human response is to double down. We raise our voice, repeat ourselves, sharpen our language. We want to be heard. We want to be right. We want the other person to get it.
The more passionate we are about our ideas or our values, the more we feel the need to explain, justify, and convince. But here's the challenge. When people in a conversation are trying to be understood, no one is really listening. It becomes a battle of broadcasts, not a true exchange. There is a transformational shift to consider. Seek First to Understand flips the script.
It asks you to pause your instinct to explain and instead lean into curiosity. What's really going on here? Why do they feel this way? What's behind the words that they're using? When we approach someone with the intent to understand, not to judge, fix, or rebuttal, we create a safe place. And that space invites honesty. It allows defenses to lower.
People sense when they're truly being listened to and ironically when they feel understood, they often become more willing to understand you in return. Understanding simply stated breeds understanding. Listening is not waiting to talk. True understanding takes work. means more than hearing words, it requires attention, empathy, and sometimes the courage to withhold judgment.
Guy Reams (02:20.207)
Too often we confuse listening with waiting for our turn to speak. We rehearse our responses while the other person is still talking. We nod politely but are already preparing our counterpoint. That is not listening. That's what we would call posturing. To understand we must surrender the need to win. This matters everywhere we're in. All of our life, our roles in our life. This idea matters in every area.
In marriage, where so many conflicts arise, not from malice, but from miscommunication. It's in parenting, where children often act out when they don't feel seen or heard. It's in leadership, where trust is earned not by barking orders at everybody, but by listening to the people that you serve. In friendships, where loyalty is built not on agreement, but on just simply presence. In debates, where real progress only happens when we stop
broadcasting ourselves to the other side. Even in casual, everyday interactions, this principle, seeking first to understand, softens our posture. It cultivates grace, and it reminds us that connection is more valuable than being right. There is a deep power in humility. At its core, seek first to understand is a statement of humility. It acknowledges that we might not have the full picture, that we might be wrong.
that other people's experiences are just as valid as ours, or at least potentially so. Humility is not weakness, it's strength wrapped in gentleness, and it's the foundation of any great relationship. So what is my final thought on this subject? Imagine a world where more people practiced this, where leaders listened before they legislated, where spouses paused before they criticized, where friends stayed curious instead of jumping to a conclusion.
It wouldn't just make the world more peaceful. It might make it a little bit more human. So next time you're tempted to interrupt someone to defend yourself, to explain it away or to, you know, take a pause, take a deep breath and repeat the phrase, seek first to understand, not to be understood. You'll be surprised what opens up when you do.