Guy Reams (00:01.208)
Day two hundred forty four, it is about it is all about you. Raising children teaches you more about human psychology than any textbook ever could. You watch patterns form, you see cause and effect play out in real time, and because you care more than anyone else will, you notice everything. One pattern I've always carried and now I see in my kids is what I call figure it out mode. When something breaks or a problem lands hard, I go heads down, I tunnel in.
I block out the world until the thing is fixed. My children do the same, and while they are locked in solving the problem, the people around them start to wonder what they did wrong. Why are they upset with me is the question I hear the most often. The gap between talent intent and perception is where trouble usually starts. When you do not communicate clearly, people fill in the blanks, and they almost always fill them in with themselves.
This is egocentric bias. It is the tendency to interpret events, actions, and silence through one lens. How does this affect me? People view situations from their own perspective first. Even when something has nothing to do with them, they process it as though it might. A comment becomes more emotionally charged if they think it reflects on them. A tone shift feels personal. Silence feels like judgment.
When my kids or I go into figured out mode, we forget that not everyone handles that well. People do not experience our words and actions objectively. They experience them through a filter of self impact. Is this about me? Does this affect me? What does this say about me? Sometimes you encounter people with a high degree of self focus. A person with strong narcissistic traits will interpret many things through the lens of status, image, control, or recognition. They may assume criticism is aimed at them.
They take neutral comments personally. They need reassurance. They become defensive when they feel diminished. I've seen my children get into situations where a teacher reacts negatively to them, being quiet and dismissive. Not all teachers are egocentric, but it takes a certain personality to stand in front of people all day and convey information. That trait just seems to come with the territory. Then there are people who combine egocentric bias with a tendency towards paranoia. Paranoia sounds extreme.
Guy Reams (02:19.086)
But it is more common than you think. In this case, silence or absence gets interpreted through a threat-based lens. Is this about me? Are they trying to harm me, exclude me, embarrass me, or undermine me? They read hidden motives into ordinary behavior. In leadership, you often work with younger people who are just starting out. They naturally view the world through the lens of growth and opportunity, but they also ask: Am I being noticed? Am I being valued? Am I being included?
They interpret situations based on whether they are receiving the attention or validation that they expect. A healthy response is when somebody simply asks for more feedback. An unhealthy response is when they start making judgments about leadership or doubting their own social standing. For a young person focused on personal growth, this self-impact filter can cut both ways. At a healthy level, it is useful. A young person is naturally asking, where do I fit? Am I doing well?
Do people respect me? Am I falling behind? What does this feedback say about my future? That kind of self-focus is not automatically bad. Early adulthood is a season for of identity formation. People are trying to understand who they are, what they are good at, how others see them, and whether they are on the right path or not. But when it becomes extreme, it becomes a burden. They start interpreting ordinary events as personal judgments. A manager gives short feedback and they hear, I am failing.
A friend does not text back and they hear I am not important. Someone else succeeds and they hear I am behind. A correction becomes a verdict. When you do not communicate clearly, people will always fill in the blank with themselves. I have learned this the hard way. When I go to solve a problem I leave a vacuum and people fill that vacuum with their own fears, insecurities and assumptions. The solution is not complicated, it is just simply communication, not elaborate explanations, just a sentence or two that names what you are doing and why.
People as simple as perhaps as simple as, I am working this problem right now, it is not about you, I will be back when it's done. That is all it takes. You do not owe anyone a detailed report, but you do owe them enough clarity to keep them from filling the silence with doubt. The next time you go into figure it out mode, say so, out loud. It will save you both a lot, it will save you both a lot of unnecessary trouble.